I’ve gotta get better at resting. 

Apparently my RSV cleared up but left me with a migraine. First time I ever had a migraine I didn’t know what it was. I woke up hurting but had a show that night so I downed a bunch of ibuprofen and did the damn thing. Drove a van full of band guys and gear from here to Charlotte North Carolina, played the show, spent the night and by the morning I was so bad off my drummer had to drive us home. Ended up in er that night. Once I got there the doc was like you just did what??? lol that was the moment I realized I could not trust myself to tell me when I was in real pain.

My mind just keeps going and doesn’t stop til my body is incapacitated. I’ve gotten better at recognizing it over the years. But still got a long way to go. It’s a hard thing to wanna get better from bc even tho this part sucks, I end up getting so much figured out when I’m in go mode. The hurt is also a bitter sweet thing for my brain. Whatever brand of addict I am tends to need it to know I’m here. When I went to rehab I went for alcohol and drugs like everybody else but I also had anorexia, bulimia and self mutilation (I was a cutter) on my plate. I did whatever I needed to do to stay in go mode.

Cutting reeled my mind back in when it would start to think and zoom out so far that I’d lose my grip on the right now and keep my feet planted. It also numbed the emotional pain that comes with having those big 'ol addict emotions, allowing me to stay focused on whatever I was trying to do, no matter how happy or sad I was. Just always trying to do something lol always kind of thought… damn, we’re only here for like 80 or so years, if we’re lucky. Better not waste it. But resting isn’t wasting anything, it’s required to keep going.

The world’s only spinning faster faster these days. Not gonna get any easier to figure stuff out. So I’m trying not to be too hard on myself but also, ironically, hoping to light a fire under my own ass. 

Lady it’s time to learn how to rest.